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From the first clips of “Video Killed the Radio Star” launching MTV into a multi-billion dollar empire based on music videos, the media mogul has now sunk to a new low. Why you ask? Well, the “stars” of the Jersey Shore will surely kill MTV in the new “thrilling” series to launch this December.

Running low on show ideas? Let’s take a bunch of guidos from Staten Island, pay for their “shore house” for a summer, and see what kind of drama unfolds in the Armpit of America (New Jersey)…

Now for my fellow West Coasters who, after watching this, are baffled by the phenomenon of this “guido” grade douche bag, brace yourself. On the East Coast, not only is this breed of animal widespread in certain areas (Long Island, Staten Island, & New Jersey), but some women, as MTV demonstrates, are actually attracted to it.

Let’s start with the hair. Yes, you saw correctly: a young man with a suitcase full of gel, presumably to last him a few weeks. Now, growing up on the West Coast, I can’t hate on gel, cause we all used it…in SIXTH GRADE. But using an entire bottle each night when you go out to get that perfect “blowout” look is just comical.

As far as that guy who only talks about his abs and shows them off…I don’t think it can get much more toolish than that. Calling your abs the “situation,” and likening yourself to Rambo while shadow boxing alone in an aerobics room? NOT chill. Mr West Coast will be the first to tell you he doesn’t have a six pack. Thats because he and Frat Guy have thrown back too many PBRs, Stones, Natties, and Beasts together, while Sammy Six Pack was drinking protein shakes and working out during his breaks from his office job as a telemarketer.

Girls comparing themselves to insects and being proud of it?

“I’m like a preying mantis…”

Wow, honey…you’re like REALLY chill. Oh wait, you’re some psycho girl from Staten Island who’s in “beauty school” and waiting to find “mr. right” at the Jersey Shore.

And last time I checked, “guido” was an offensive term. Maybe someone should tell that to the kid that says

“being a guido and Italian…you’re family is really important to you.”

I won’t even call in Mr Stereotype from the bullpen to give us a simile on that one.

Do you think Tupac ever went to the Jersey Shore? Hell no. He was killing it in Malibu, where people are normal, waves are bigger, and the term “blowout” doesn’t exist. This show would make Biggie roll in his grave. The Jersey Shore encompasses everything I hate about the East Coast: tools, douches, and beach communities that are NOT chill.

“You never know whats going to go down at the shore…”

Actually I do:

• a bunch of guido guys will get in guido fights with each other over guido girls while wearing graphic tees
• people will say things like “lets get it poppin”
• driving their dads’ Range Rovers.
• Some sappy music will accompany some dramatic story lines about a girl that is a bartender and “does great things” and
• a guy wont be able to score enough steroids to keep up with Rambo the Situation, and …

you’ve got yourself a show that’s just NOT chill.

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Yeah yeah yeah, everyone relax. I’ve received a number emails and tweets about mr exclusive only writing one post so far… guess what? That’s because I’m being, like, exclusive.

There’s been a lot of “that guy” this, “frat guy” that, “mr stereo-clown” nonsense on this site lately. Which is why I’m back to right the ship, set the record straight, reclaim the title of the chillest author on this site.

Anyway, without further ado let’s – and by “let’s” I mean, “me” (not that we would ever do anything together and god forbid at the same time in the same room) – dig in.

The Basics of Thanksgiving Exclusivity

The fundamental problem with the holidays is the values are completely at odds with everything exclusivity represents. Let me illustrate.

Thanksgiving:

During Thanksgiving Day families and friends usually gather for a large meal or dinner … Thanksgiving Eve, the night before Thanksgiving, is one of the busiest nights of the year for bars and clubs, as many college students and others return to their hometowns to reunite with friends and family.^[27]

Exclusivity:

1 a : excluding or having power to exclude b : limiting or limited to possession, control, or use by a single individual or group
2 a : excluding others from participation b : snobbishly aloof
3 a : accepting or soliciting only a socially restricted patronage (as of the upper class) b : stylish, fashionable c : restricted in distribution, use, or appeal because of expense

I really wish I was making this up, but facts are facts. Thanksgiving is inherently non-exclusive. It focuses on foriegn concepts like “being with other people” or “gathering” – whatever that even means.

You might call me hypocritical because in my previous post about IPOE, I stated one must seek a lot of friends on facebook and followers on twitter. But, if you recall, this is merely to misdirect people into NOT physically being able to meet up with you.

How should you maximize your exclusivity on Thanksgiving? Here are some suggestions:

• Location
  • Eat in the most exclusive place possible. Don’t hold back here, make sure it’s really hard to get to, or ultra expensive – just so you can let everyone else know that you’re still “killing it” in the “recession.” (Suggestion – try having thanksgiving dinner on your own yacht, make sure you’re the only one invited, and the only other people around are servers and cooks.)
    
• Food
  • Don’t cut corners here, you must make sure everyone else knows how exclusive you are. Order your thanksgiving feast from the most exotic place possible – you know, like, buy a wild turkey, ship it to Antarctica, and then a year later send a search and rescue team to capture this exclusive poultry. Make sure you perform this function a place where turkeys do not exist naturally. Of course, the more people you displace and inconvenience with your exclusive antics, the better.
    
• Staff and support services
  • Spare no expenses here, this will make or break your exclusive event:
    • Photographers (it’s not exclusive unless other people know how exclusive it is)
      
    • World renound chef – make sure he/she can’t spend the day with their family. At first, he may resist, but remind him that
      being alone on Thanksgiving (or lucky enough to be in your presence) is the most exclusive thing he could possibly do.

There you have it. Keep is simple, and to yourself, waste money and yeah be exclusive.

Oh yeah, and the only thing to be thankful for is yourself (that’s really excl), so dis-invite your family from your meal.

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It’s an oldie, but a goodie! Thanks college humor

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Wait a minute … running over  your nephews on Thanksgiving while playing in the annual family football game with the relatives you can’t stand? THAT’S FRATTY. This one image beautifully conjures up one of the greatest moments in human history: having children to breed super fratletes (athlete + fraternity).

In case you were wondering how this mission is fulfilled, here’s a sample path to legendary status. Write this down:

1. Pee-wee sport all star (age 5-9)
2. AAU Basketball, Traveling Soccer, Pop Warner Football (10-14)
3. High school big man on campus (via Varsity football), Homecoming and prom king (15-18)
4. Division I recruited athlete, frat star. (18-22)

Notice the crucial progression from Step 2 to Step 3. Fratty dads may idly watch as their son plays AYSO soccer, but soon enough DNA kicks in and that son will make the right choice: football.

What defines a fratty dad, you ask? Of course, they must coach their sons teams at all times, even if it means getting in fights on the sidelines during high school night games. Equally important, they must always prepared to bbq and tailgate and can change a tire or oil in under ten minutes.

They watch classic shows like MASH, wear Russell athletic sweats at home and always have “their chair” that no one else can sit in. Oh and the frattiest of dads will crash on his son’s couch when moving him into college. Just remember – no matter how fratty you are, your dad was probably frattier cause he grew up in the 70s and may have driven a mini van at some point.

The best day of the rest of your life, the day you know you’ve made it as a fratty dad is a sublime experience. It’s not wininng the Heisman, killing it at a bank, being in the highest tax bracket…

It is in, fact the day your son or daughter joins your fraternity. That’s when you’ll know you can rest peacefully.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Frat guy

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yes fellas there’s even a version for you too (see we’re not sexest, we’re just REALLY chill)

p.s. this is the REALLY offensive version, no like REALLY offensive:

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On sweaty, beer-filled basements of fraternities everywhere, frat boys are rejoicing. Someone has just arrived, and it’s not that slamming blonde from Theta you’ve been texting all night. Enter fratmusic.com to the mix, a site capturing the staples of any Top House: good music and sketchy dance parties.

It’s well documented that “chill” music, grinding, and generally anything “sketchy”( a la “punch” or its cousin “jungle juice”) have a longstanding tradition in fraternity lore. Never has one site so brilliantly made the transformation from of commoner to fratstar that much easier.

In the wise words of the site:

Everyone knows that frats tend to play the best dance music.
We have compiled the best songs from frats all over the U.S. We update our site regularly so that you can have crackin’ pregames and crackin’ dance parties.
FratMusic.com is the original party playlist provider.

Don’t like rap? They’ve got you covered. Don’t like rock? THEY STILL HAVE YOU COVERED. Afterhours? You bet. Even country for The Souther Bro!

Understand this one simple concept: Frat music was designed to do one thing and do it well – make you feel like a rockstar. It’s that moment you live for, when the buzz kicks in and you’re suddenly playing lead guitar in Journey. You instantly feel the need to grind on anything and everything on the dance floor. Don’t fight it, you did it to yourself, the moment you stepped into the fraternity. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, you know you’re having the time of your life.

What a bold statement: “Everyone knows that frats tend to play the best dance music.” The US Department of Health stated in 2006 that fraternity party after hours are the number 1 cause of unplanned pregnancy. So, before you start hating on fraternities and frat lifestyle in general, just remember … you may or may not have been conceived listening to frat music.

now… that’s like REALLY chill.

-frat out

p.s. thank @jennabrom for this news tip

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Yep, it’s about that time again, Mr Stereotype has a big problem with what Adam (tried – i use that word loosely, because he fell short in my eyes) tried to pull off.

Let me be the first to say, I love Adam. I thought he should’ve won American Idol this past year. With his talent, I was expecting his first studio album to be the next coming of Prince. But … and a big BUT, did anyone else watch the American Music Awards or listen to his first single?

To say that I was disspointed is an understatement … why does it sounds like if his lyrics were written by a 4th grader trying to write a limerick for the first time? Also, the vocals, instrumentation, production … everything about the single and more or less the entire album feels/sounds/rushed. Is he on a race to finish all the trakcs?

In case you missed it, here’s the performance from his first single, which he preformed on the American Music Awards.

Now, it’s not the fact that me made out with the keyboardest or simulated oral sex with the backup dancers that erased any progress made on prop8 in one television appearance  and American Idol for that matter. Rather, it’s that he tried to “Out-Gaga” Lady Gaga with a horrible song, and an even more horrendous performance.

It didn’t feel or sound like art… it felt… well.. stereotypical.

I’m sorry bro, but maybe you’re just Not that chill…

Setting you back faithfully,
-Mr Stereotype

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• new: The greatest/sketchiest site known to man – CougarLife http://reallychill.org/?p=131 #
• new: the best[frattiest] marketing video of all time http://reallychill.org/?p=141 #
• new: All hell breaks loose when Popeyes runs out of fried chicken http://reallychill.org/?p=169 #
• new: Man gets pulled over for lawnmower DUI, setting the South back… http://reallychill.org/?p=170 #
• new: Yeah so like… "Douche-stache" and "Mo-vember" … NOT chill http://reallychill.org/?p=182 #
• new: My first kiss, a chronicle of losing http://reallychill.org/?p=146 #

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College humor does it again

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Ahh yes, its that wonderful time of year again… Thanksgiving time, autumn leaves, holiday shopping…oh yeah, and when two of the least “chill” concepts come together in a horrible portmanteau. The douchebag and the mustache.

The Douchebag (n)

An individual who has an over inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears. – urban dictionary

You can’t put into words what the picture hasn’t already said. But I’ll try and dissect some of it.

• The Livestrong / Any bracelet – Lance Armstrong is chill. Bracelet = not chill
• Hat tipped at to the side at an “oh so perfect” angle? – is this 2001? Are people still wearing American Eagle not CHILL
• Chinese lettering tatoos… when you’re not Chinese…and you probably have no idea what the letters even mean – NOT CHILL

The Mustache (n)

A section of facial hair located above the lips. A popular style ith adolescents. Also called a “stache”. – urban dictionary

Synonyms: stache mustache peach fuzz facial hair hair annoying

yeah… about that mustache … it like needs to…go

Movember (Mustache + November)

The portmanteau  ”Mo-vember” received its significance when some douchebag thought he was making a social statement by displaying his douchebaggery (read: growing a mustache to support a cause). In many cases, “Movember” is paired with a flat-brimmed Angels cap and Forum shirt, an attire popular in Orange County.

Not to get sidetracked, but each of these righteous causes deserves a dedicated post, however spending a lot of time on things that are not chill… is not… that…chill.

- that guy

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