I'm So Exclusive
It's 2009, Jobs are out. Exclusivity is in

Archive for December, 2009

A Special New Year’s Message from Mr Exclusive [PODCAST]

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Happy New Year!

Link to intro song: http://vokoder.fm/track/The-Fresh-Prince/Fresh-Prince-Of-Bel-Air-(-Mustard-Pimp-Remix)/

Announcements

MP3 File: A New Year Message From Mr Exclusive

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Chad Ochocinco: Really Chill Athlete of the Decade

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It’s been an epic year for Really Chill Individuals (RCI’s) from all walks of life. Some faltered, others thrived, but only one chilled the hardest.

After weeks of intense debate and analysis, the staff here at ReallyChill.org would like to congratulate Chad Ochocinco ( via twitter @OGOchoCinco ) on being named The Really Chill Athlete of Decade.

Mr. Ochocinco impressed us for a number of reasons, but certain characteristics stood out:

1. His name

Chad is so brash, he actually changed his legal name from “Johnson” to “Ochocinco,” even though that doesn’t even mean “85″ in Spanish. In the process, he has forced announcers to repeat the name “Ochocinco” during live broadcasts, and compelled the NFL to print this ridiculous, hybrid number on the back of thousands of jerseys.

2. He Raced a Horse… AND WON

Better angle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kspi6Fuy64M

3. Signature touchdown…and non-touchdown celebrations

Need we say more? He’s bribed a ref, donned a sombrero, grabbed a camera, all while accumulating ridiculous fines (over 60K in one year) in the process. Oh yeah, he doesn’t give a crap.

Chad’s also not afraid to wear his emotions on his sleeve, as we saw during the the Chris Henry game, in which his TD sent chills down every sports fan’s spine.

4. “Child Please”

Ocho created a catch-phrase that instantly became part of everyone’s vernacular. According to Chad, the definition of this seemingly absurd statement is, in fact, rather simple: “F*ck You”

5. Dedication to a rigid McDonald’s diet

Chad admitted to eating the most unhealthy fast food imaginably and yet because he burns 10,000 calories a day, he remains one of the most athletic wide receivers in the NFL.

Oh yeah and did we mention he also played two really chill positions in a single game (Wide Receiver and Kicker)?

Happy New Year everyone and here’s to hoping we can all be as Chill as Ochocinco during 2010!

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[VIDEO] Unnecessary Censorship: Sesame Street

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Unnecessary Censorship: Sesame Street – watch more funny videos

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The fratty version of Super Mario you never played

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This isn’t new but it’s still hilarious. Well done college humor.

Make sure you watch this one till the end

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A Really Chill Playlist for New Years Eve

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Yeah so like, regardless of how you are spending New Year’s Eve, make sure you are listening to really chill music. Enjoy this playlist after the jump.

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#2 – Fratting Hard

From: The definitive guide to a lifestyle of exclusivity and awesomeness

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The only way I know how to follow up that introduction from Mr Exclusive is to speak plainly and elaborately on the subject of frattiness. Essentially, take everything you just read and throw it out the window, because that’s not fratty nor is it Exclusive.

“Fratty.” It’s a word that is slowly creeping into the everyday American vernacular. According to the Really Chill Lexicon (RCL) Volume III, the word is defined as “a state of being where you put a fraternal lifestyle above anything else.” The word has bound a generic 18-34 year old male – who was formely in a fraternal organization at one point in his life – to a lifelong set of traditions and virtues. There are whole websites (frattinghard.com, brobible.com, and broslikethissite.com) dedicated to fratting at all times.

Sweet

And yet, these definitions could not be further from the truth. Frattiness has no gender and certainly no age limit. In fact, there’s a little secret that you, the casual reader, might not be aware of: you didn’t have to be in a fraternity to be fratty (although it does help if you at least hazed at one point in your life, preferable in a sketchy basement… involving A lot of ice… and cold water….and maybe some Tabasco sauce. But I digress).

How will I know if I reach the “fratty” lifestyle?

First, one must realize that fratting hard isn’t a lifestyle, its an art form. It’s the internal mindset of an individual which allows him/her to – for lack of a better term – “not give a shit about what most people think.”

Fratting really hard

Being really fratty is the latin equivalent to being Really Chill. Furthermore, you don’t just wake up one day and become fratty. The lifestyle known as Fratting must originate in a family trait that has been passed down for many generations.

After mapping the human genome, scientists have attributed frattiness to the gene IL-10 (Interlukin 10) which is known to display “potent abilities to suppress the antigen presentation capacity of antigen presenting cells.”

Interleukin 10, Otherwise known as the "Frat Gene"

We, frat stars, refer to the intricate science as Frattiness Selection. It’s nature over nurture but like the American Dream, there are exceptions to every rule. Here are the fundamental tenants of being fratty and can help you reach extreme levels of fratting, even if nature hasn’t been so kind:

  1. Be an Athlete.
    • This is not confined strictly to the realm of athletics. Being an athlete is a mindset. If you can’t play – you coach. If you can’t coach, you watch. Its that simple.
    • Being a part of athletics teaches you how to pick yourself up after being knocked down. (And yes, joining a fraternal organization will break you if you haven’t heard.)
    • Also included: Playing “pong’ until the wee hours of the morning and living in the worst possible housing available.
  2. Winning, at all costs.
    • Being fratty means you are never wrong, EVER. Even when you are wrong, you’re still RIGHT.
    • If it means taking trips across the country, you do so in the most brazen yet frugal way possible – through The South.
    • Being Fratty as defined in the RCL as a “passion to win (Wynn) at all costs.”
  3. To give is to recieve.
    • Every great scholar of fraternal organizations understands this basic premise: You got to where you are because of the people who came before you. As you make your way through pledging realize this:
      1. Next year, you get to be on the giving end and -
      2. you had to receive the blessing before you give it (Yes I just implied that any form of hazing is, in fact, a blessing).
    • As discussed in the first tenant of being an athlete, know that what doesn’t kill will, in fact, make you stronger (it’s science, don’t argue with science you’ll never win).

How can I join this brotherhood of men? (by men we mean the human race, remember being fratty is gender neutral)

This is honestly a great question. If you are reading this and realize you have missed out on one of the greatest God-given experiences on this Earth then fear not, for you can make some simple changes to the way you conduct yourself in order to be more “Fratty.”

Gleeful, Fraternity brothers

  1. Drinking
    • Just do it and don’t stop. I’ve seen sweet bro’s drink during finals, or better yet drinking in the office just to let everyone else know how chill they really are.
    • Also remember, whenever you are presented with an option of beers, ALWAYS take the shittier option (and don’t be last ordering – you don’t want to know why, so don’t ask).
    • Whenever possible, inconvenience neighbors, family members, and loved ones with the boisterous noise of fratneral living (remember drinking doesn’t count unless everyone else knows you are drinking more than they are).
  2. Socializing
    • It goes with out saying (and is usually the most envied part of being in a fraternal organization) that being fratty requires socializing at all times. Don’t wait to be called on – volunteer (again, don’t ask why) and NEVER be last.
    • Talk about frat parties & mixers at all times. “Yeah, this one time at a mixer with…” Let them know what really went down.
  3. Drinking and Socializing – Otherwise known as “Winning”
    • Something beautiful things happens anytime you mix socializing and drinking in the same place.
    • The ancient greeks called it “gewinnen” which is greek for “Winning” and you can indulge as well
    • Think:
      • Drinking Games
      • Theme Parties
      • Sketchy Afterhours

Does fratting have its limits?

NO, and don’t make me have to remind you.

In many cases, I’ve seen women fratting harder then men. Fratting inside, fratting outside, literally fratting everywhere. Whenever you feel like you are the center of attention, this is your time to shine (preferably using one of the various drinking techniques which we will delve into later  - see the “mailman“).

Remember that you can’t spell “really chill” without “fraternity.” If you start correcting that sentence then you are one of “those guys” who just DON’T get it. More on them later

With love,
Frat Guy

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[BREAKING] Maino sets Tiger Woods back with new single “Get Em Tiger”

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In an attempt to make money off of the Tiger Woods fiasco, Maino releases a new single (via German Music site hip-hop-news.de), listen to it after the jump.

Just when Tiger woods thought he was in the clear, Maino comes out with a new single going after the “athlete of the decade” in his new single “Get Em Tiger.”  Sometimes I wish I could make this stuff up, but these stories actually write themselves.

What do you think? Get Em Tiger? Hell Yeah

Do Work,
Mr Stereotype

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[BREAKING NEWS] New government program to support social media “expert” depression

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You’ve heard about them in the news and seen postings for their “services” on job boards. “Social Media Experts” – individuals who claim to have mastered Twitter/ Facbeook and can “help you do the same” – are destroying the industry they helped create. Their hardship and anxiety has been a source of pain for the American public.

We here at Really Chill decided to find out exactly what makes an individual a “Social Media Guru:”

Yeah it’s really simple actually,

said Steve, a self proclaimed That Guy (TG).

I just go online, look at the trending topics on Twitter, and play along with the racially-charged trending topics (#ifsantawasblack, #uknowuhood, #indaclub). Obviously,  I’m online 24/7 because that’s what makes an expert these days, right? That’s pretty much it, I mean I practically came out of the womb with a keyboard and Mac so I guess I’m a natural.

When asked about dropping “links” on friends and followers, a rigid tactic followed by all Social Media Gurus, Steve said,

I mean, how hard is it to alienate all of your friends with links they don’t even care about on Facebook and Twitter?

What was once a seemingly innocent tactic used to promote meaningless brands has taken its toll on self-proclaimed social media gurus.

We’re seeing a tremendous increase in anxiety and depression among this group,

said Dr. James McDonald, a clinical researcher from the University of Southern California.

Yeah I don’t get it,

said “Ron,” a Really Chill Bro (RCB) who declined to give his last name,

I mean, when I started out as a social media expert, Facebook only had like the cool people in college. Everyone loved it and since I was one of the first adopters, by extension they loved me too. As soon as Twitter and Facebook took off and I put Social Media Expert on my profile, people stopped talking to me… but that’s because I’m an expert, right?

We’ve see this all too often; loved ones becoming engulfed by the last year’s internet trend, “social media.” The toll it’s taken on families and relationships can’t be quantified, but cases of depression due to social media isolation has reached all time highs.

Word has reached the Obama Administration, which declined to comment but pointed us to one of their 209,452,023 websites dedicated to openness and transparency in the social media industry: socialmediadouchebag.gov.

If you or someone you know is suffering from social media depression, please check out the site for tips and advice. Remember, there is a cure for Social Media douchebaggery.

The cartoon originally appeared on Hubspot.

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#1 – Exclusivity

From: The definitive guide to a lifestyle of exclusivity and awesomeness

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It’s only fitting that the first dissertation in the age old quest of being a Really Chill Bro (RCB) is the cornerstone of All Things Chill (ATC): “Exclusivity.” Many a scripture has been written about this topic but nearly all have fallen short of capturing the essence of what it means to be Unapologetically Exclusive. It is with pride and great humility that I take on this challenge.

What is exclusivity?

Exclusivity as we know it is the phenomenon started by the ancestors of Mr Exclusive. It predated the Mesopotamic period and flourished in the land between the two rivers where Ancient Civilization began: the Tigris and the Euphrates. As Wikipedia states, this region is  a place that is “widely considered as the cradle of civilization.”

Deep within the Akkadian Empire (ca. 2350 BCE–2193 BCE), young Naram-Sin, the emperor’s grandson and one of the forerunners of the Exclusivity Movement, began to crave out his own place in history. According to scripture, he was the first person in human history to consciously elect to do something by himself. #ThatsEXCL

Young Naram Sim spreading "Exclusivity" to all

People have trouble understanding that anything involving an invitation is inherently not exclusive. In fact, the act of not allowing other people to bask in your exclusivity is key to maximizing exclusivity. Every time you receive an invite from a promoter promoting a club so exclusive he himself cannot get in, just remember one thing: by rejecting his or her request, you are cementing yourself in the rich history of all beings who chose to take the exclusive path.

How can one be exclusive?

Great question. I wish I could just say, follow me for a day (Mr Exclusive) and you would get enough material to last a lifetime, but the act of being anywhere near me would diminish  my own exclusivity. Therefore, follow these simple rules and the extensive research available on reallychill.org for more insight:

  1. Less is always more
  2. Saying “No” is the new “Yes”
  3. Winning by losing is the only way to win

Over the course of this journey of All Things Chill (ATC), we will delve into these topic with great detail.

When is it appropriate to be exclusive?

As the finally installment of my introduction, I thought it would only be appropriate to address this topic.

The answer is simple: All the time.

If someone asks you, “When can I expect your call?” Simply reply “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” If you’ve entered the level of Like Really Exclusive, (LRE), it may be okay to say something like, “that’s physically impossible because I have three phones and none of them take outside calls.” Fear not, for all this will become easier the more you read.

Just remember, one of the tenants of being really chill is your level of exclusivity.

With Love,
Mr Exclusive

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[BREAKING NEWS] New Apple Table “iSlate” is so exclusive CEO Steve Jobs doesn’t know about it

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In conflicting reports, some tech enthusiasts are calling Apple’s iSlate Steve Job’s swan song. Other pundits in the industry are proclaiming that the fabled tablet device doesn’t exist. Reuters claims Apple is holding its own exclusive event after the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) to unveil the new iSlate to the world.

We here at reallychill.org sent one of our reporters into the field and he came up with the following sound conclusion about the viability of an Apple iSlate.

Phillip Raymore
Reporting from The Apple Store
767 5th Ave,
New York, NY

The quest for the truth about the rumored iSlate device took us to what many people consider the astronomical center of the universe – New York City – where we interviewed former Apple Executive David Cadwell:

If you look at past Apple device launches, our history speaks volumes. At Apple, we have a tendency to deny all rumors until we reveal the final product. I kid you not, sometimes things are so exclusive at this place, we don’t even know for ourselves what we are working on.

My conversation with Caldwell was mind-boggling. I thought I was the only one on Earth to feel this level of exclusivity but apparently at Apple, management actually encourages engineers to work on products they don’t even know about. #THATSexcl. Like any accredited journalist, I verified David’s claims of Apple’s continuous denials of new products, most recently the denial of the iPhone’s existence (via techspot).

Taking David at his word, I concluded that talking to people at the top would get me nowhere. I decided to enter the flagship Apple store in Midtown Manhattan to find out what employees on the ground thought about the rumored Apple Tablet. I caught up with Lilly (who refrained from releasing her last name out of fear of losing her job):

I mean, an Apple tablet certainly is possible. I know I’m supposed to play up the facade that “I’m an Apple Genius” but to tell you the truth, sometimes people bring in devices that I didn’t even know we made.

While her claims were enlightening, the prevalence of skinny jeans, thick framed glasses and hipster fedora’s were too much to handle so we decided to cut the interview short.

We all saw what happened when the Crunchpad suddenly became JooJoo (via Engadget), the Time Inc Tablet concept (via TechCrunch) and Microsoft Courier leaked (via Gizmodo).  To say that Apple isn’t working in this space would be extremely shortsighted.

I made a few more calls, and actually had the pleasure of filing this report on the rumored tablet. Writing on a device that’s doesn’t even exist yet? Yeah, #thatsexcl

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