As the resident frat guy, I found it more than necessary to weigh in on a current event: Tiger Woods’ recent car accident. I think we all know that something smells a little fishy with this one. Let’s look at the facts:
- There is still an “ongoing investigation”
- Tiger hit a fire hydrant, and then a tree which was several yards away
- His wife shattered the back window of his Escalade to “pull him out”
- The accident happened at 2:30 in the morning
- He refuses to talk to police or the media about it
- In the same week, reports about an affair with a NYC socialite surfaced
What do I think about this? I think that after living in his house for at least a few years, he’s probably backed out of his driveway several hundred times. In doing so (call me crazy), he probably noted all the surroundings, like a fire hydrant or a giant tree, and managed to always avoid them. Now…what would cause him to run over the fire hydrant and slam into a tree? Probably a little bit of Grandpa’s Cough Medicine.
See, Tiger reminds me of a few friends in my college days who liked to say, “trust me, I drive better when I’m drunk…I pay closer attention to detail.” In this case, I’m sure Tiger just found his car to be a little dirty and wanted to give it a rinse. Needless to say, drunk driving is terrible, and I don’t want to classify it as “fratty.” However, what is fratty is running over objects that are hundreds of yards from your driveway, in a routine attempt to back out. Because guys in houses don’t really care about their surroundings.
Golf fans, Tiger’s hot wife, and people everywhere-brace yourself: Tiger was DRUNK. This is the only explanation. My guess is that he and his smoking hot Swedish model got into a little argumentski over the discovery of Tiger’s “New York Girl” (see, sports stars have at least one in every city). Tiger probably had heard enough and was going to go meet up with Dwight Howard for a good time in downtown Orlando. As he was driving off, my guess is Elin unleashed on his back window, he swerved to avoid her, drunkenly overcompensated, and in doing so left some fire hydrant carnage.
Now, Tiger does what any fratguy would do in an awkward situation (like, say, when the Dean catches you hazing 25 half-naked pledges, using two quarts of honey, a hose, thousand island dressing, and seran wrap)…you cover it up. “Ya Dean, we were just doing some science experiments down here in the basement…weren’t we guys?”
Straight from tigerwoods.com: “Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible…”
Oh and Elin apparently bashed the back window in to drag him out of the car. Why would you bash in the window farthest from the driver’s seat to get someone out? You’re telling me, she bashed it in, crawled over broken glass, over two rows of seats, grabbed her 200+ pound husband, and dragged him back out to safety? If so, hats off to the world’s most heroic supermodel. I’m just not a believer yet…
You be the judge people…
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