Once in a while, however, the displaced Frat Guy will be summoned by colleagues Bro Montana and Bro Namath to make a bro-trip to their alma mater. The purpose of the journey is quite simple: get weird, kill it and DALOW(do a lot of work). Below, you’ll find some tips on how to DALOW as a sketchy, too-old for college, what-is-this-guy-doing-back-here-again alumni visitor.

• Timing: If you’re not one of the lucky ones to have a company that recruits new hires at your alma mater, your return visits to school are limited and unfortunately, debacherous nights can’t be expensed to your sweet I-bank. Therefore, you want to make sure you get the most out of a short weekend back. If the trip is in the fall, hit up homecoming. Spring: make sure pledges are around.

• Housing: Unless you’re a fan of sleeping on couches, every bro has to fend for themselves. One strategy is to find any friends you have left at school that know athletes who are on roadtrips so you can take over their rooms. Otherwise, you better be ready to DALOW.

• Eating: only the worst establishments will do. Only those that you frequented for lack of better options and that allowed you and your crew to bring 30 racks and subsequently destroy the place.

• Drinking: everyone has their favorite bar. Don’t waste your time anywhere else.

• Getting weird: whether it’s giving blacked-out piggy back rides to girls, tripping and causing a girl to chip her front teeth … or taking a wine-tour and getting “asked to leave” because members of your party are puking on the premises … or returning to your old rented house/apartment, which is now full of small Asian girls, and sitting down, opening a beer, and yelling “I NEED THIS” as they call the police … getting weird is essential to a successful return trip. While normally your course of actions would result in a “reputation” on campus, you won’t be around long enough for these types of things to catch up to you.

• Fratting: Just because you’re an alumni doesn’t mean you can’t utilize pledges for anything and everything. Additionally, paying visits to old hazing grounds, and giving current brothers ideas for new hazing which you thought up while grinding out Excel projects at work are all necessary. Attending fraternity functions is also key to getting weird and finding an eventual bed. Below, you’ll find an actual, post-bro-trip correspondence from an alumni-all star to his pledge brothers:

Guys: so, After waking up in the [frat] house Sunday morning covered in blood, and getting a ride back towards you guys from the chef’s wife, I did a little research to find out what the hell happened to me at the party.

According to Dave [one current frat bro]:

‘you were stumbling everywhere- smashing your head and body into walls. you made yourself throw up in the 2nd floor bathroom (which you subsequently flooded, and now the hallway is soaked). your nose started bleeding which is why your shirt is ruined. i brought you to the deck room and thats where you slept. i had a pledge check on you every 10 min to make sure you were alive. basically you were throwing yourself all over the place, and face planted on the dance floor. everyone saw you, even the pledges. they were like..’wow these alums are so fratty and don’t give a shit about anything.’ they loved it.’”

Notice the consistent themes: getting weird, getting really fratty, having no regard for your own health or others’ sanity as you spew all sorts of bodily fluids on them.

Have a good post-college return visit? Drop us a line in the comments.

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College: The Return Trip is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

Charles Barkley

25. After Kevin Garnett threw a ball into the crowd out of frustration and was ejected. They showed footage of the man that got hit by the ball being taken away in a stretcher and his daughter was crying. Charles commented that players take passes to the face all the time. He topped it off by saying: “You know why that little girl’s crying? It’s because she’s thinking ‘my daddy’s a wussy’”.

24. Barkley on Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith eating a box of hot Krispy Kreme donuts in front of him: “Both of y’all are2 going to hell for that. Y’all are going to hell with a first-class ticket. Is that how you treat your partner? Krispy Kreme might be the greatest invention in the history of civilization when they’re hot. Y’all are cruel man.”

23. “It’s kinda great to see the Celtics doin well again cuz that was so much fun in my day to go to the Boston Garden and they spit at you and throw things at you and talk about your mom. It sounds like dinner at Kenny Smith’s house.”

22. “I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.”

21. Charles Barkley after seeing a picture of Sam Cassell on the screen: “Phone home.” And later he remarks to Kenny, “Sam Cassell is a good guy, but he’s not going to wind up on the cover of GQ anytime soon.”

20. While watching someone in Australia put $1 million worth of rubies on a table: “Damn, must not be any black folks in Australia. You can’t just leave $1 million worth of jewelry lying around the ‘hood.”

19. Asked if he had ever been in the governor’s office in Montgomery, Barkley said no. “They don’t let many black people in the governor’s mansion in Alabama,” he said, “unless they’re cleaning.”

18. On the goal of the ’92 Olympic Dream Team when playing Panama in the Tournament of the Americas: “To get the Canal back.”

17. To Kenny: “Hakeem couldn’t kick your ass cuz you were too close, kissin his!”

16. Barkley on Hanno Mottola, who, as EJ remarked “is the first NBA player from Finland”. Charles replies: “Of course he is the first NBA player from Finland, he’s the only person in Finland.”

15. On supersized Oliver Miller: “You can’t even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it.”

14. “All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine.”

13. On North Carolina missing 22 of its last 23 shots in losing to Georgetown in the NCAA tournament last weekend: “Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots.”

12. I’d never buy my girl a watch… she’s already got a clock over the stove.

11. “I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I’ve got a technique. It’s called just go get the damn ball.”

10. On the Portland Trail Blazers (back when they were known as the Jail Blazers) serving Thanksgiving meals: “In between arrests they do community service.”

9. “Yeah Ernie, its called defense, I mean I wouldn’t know anything about it personally but I’ve heard about it through the grapevine.

8. “Well, when I went off to college, the guys I used to hang with were pumping gas and voting Democrat. Today they’re still pumping gas and voting Democrat. Guess the Democrats didn’t do much for them.”

7. “When I was recruited at Auburn [university], they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements.”

6. “Hey Stanley, you could be a great player if you learned just two words: I’m full.”? Barkley yelling to 300-plus-pound Houston Rockets teammate Stanley Roberts

5. “I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.”

4. On the All-Star Game: “Hell, there ain’t but 15 black millionaires in the whole country & half of ‘em are right here in this room.”

3. On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: “Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss’s wife having sex with a monkey.”

2. After throwing a guy through a 1st floor window in a bar Charles was in front of the judge.
Judge: “Your sanctions are community service and a fine, do you have any regrets?”
Charles: “Yeah I regret we weren’t on a higher floor”

1. After an Olympic Dream Team victory over Angola, in which they won 116-48, Charles got into a physical altercation with a member of Angola towards the end of the game, afterwards he says.

“Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a couple weeks. I thought he was going to pull a spear on me.”

submitted via email, thanks!

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Top 25 Charles Barkley Quotes is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

brobible does it again

big thanks to @iamsoexclusive for this submission

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Why America hates wall street: Bert the Broker is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

Ahh twitter, you know that tool that’s revolutionizing how we communicate and get our news… yeah… not in this case.

While we are poking fun at the subject, follow the current conversation on the most offensive “trending topic” of the day: ‘#doesntmeanyourblack’

Today’s winner:

• The #Doesntmeanyourblack TT is annoying the hell out of me. Sad to know people still don’t know the difference between “your” & “you’re”…

Super Logical:

• JUST BECAUSE YOURE BLACK#DOESNTMEANYOURBLACK

Stereotypes:

• Just because you put hot sauce on everything#doesntmeanyourblack
• Just cause u choose kfc or popeyes over a 5 star restaurant #doesntmeanyourblack …..wait yes it does
• Just cuz ya daddy locked up#doesntmeanyourblack
• Because you talk loud and wanna fight all the time #doesntmeanyourblack
• cuz u dnt kno who ya baby daddy is lol

Hilarious:

• JUST BECAUSE YOURE BLACK#DOESNTMEANYOURBLACK
• RT @shelbkilano: Just because Usher discovered you #doesntmeanyourblack Justin Bieber
• Juss because yu bumpin Young Money#doesntmeanyourblack

stereotyping tweets

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Trending topics that set African American’s Back [twitter] is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

New Years Eve

• Comedy Stories
• A bunch of voicemails

Songs This week

• That Guy: Kinetics & One Love – Horny girl
• Mr Exclusive: Jason Mraz & Lil Wayne – I’m Yours Remix

NFL’s Undefeated season

• Mr exclusive is not happy about pulling payton out of the game
• Obama we love you

Loopt & Foursquare

• Mr Westcoast lies about how exclusive he is
• Loopt is bad if you have a girlfriend

Is that chill? New Years Eve Countdown

• Mr Exclusive: Yeahhhh, pretty chill: only if you’re doing work
• That Guy: Nahhhh, not that chill: you’re the only one not doing work

Announcements

• Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes!!! – http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=348117988
• Leave suggestions for next episodes “Is that chill?” in the comments section of this post
• Leave us a voicemail for next week’s episode, call us!  212-203-0483

MP3 File: Really Chill Cast 5 – voicemails and new years eve.mp3

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[PODCAST] Really Chill Cast 5 – Voicemail and New Years Eve is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

Let’s face it. If we’re going to stereotype where the vast majority of  motivated, educated, young finance majors are working after graduation these days, it’s on Wall Street.  Mr Stereotype is no different. I attended your generic top 15 school, graduated, and went on to work at the generic bulge-bracket investment bank so I could KILL it on the weekends and be hated by 98% of the American public on weekdays.  I’ll save my interning experiences for another post, but after a fruitful junior year summer, I was lucky enough to receive an offer to work full-time in the fairytale land of financial services.

Fast forward a few years and I’m sitting on a trading floor with dozens of other miserable people, selling products most people don’t understand to people who don’t understand them so that my government-assisted company can make some cash, pay back TARP, and give Joe The Plumber a mortgage for his suburban Cleveland home. Throughout my ten, eleven, or twelve-hour days sitting in front of computer monitors, separated from the people to my left and right by a few feet, no walls, and no cubicles, there is one constant occurrence: the flat screen TVs sprinkled throughout the trading floor streaming CNBC…all…day…long. The only time I’ve seen the channel changed is for high-speed police chases, or Bubble Boy, for which all of Wall Street will pause.

Now, no one usually listens to CNBC because the stories they’re breaking or the news they’re reporting has already hit the trading floor a few minutes earlier. Most people, like me, Mr Stereotype, just leave the volume on mute and pause from time to time to look at the Money Honeys…or rather, the decently attractive women that CNBC puts on the desk to maintain viewers’ attention and keep companies paying for ad spots.

Any person who’s worked in finance will tell you that the trading floor is dominated by men. It’s about a 4:1 ratio. Take that small percentage of women working on the floor and only about 1 in 10 is a looker.  So unlike guys working in fashion, marketing, public relations, or any job that doesnt require math expertise, those of us in finance are left with CNBC anchors as our eye candy (sorry women, it’s not stereotyping if it’s true, check those male/female SAT averages).

But some of them aren’t that bad…

A stereotypical finance guy secretly wishes that one, two, or all of the Money Honeys will pose for Playboy or Penthouse to bring in some extra cash during the Financial Crisis. And really, there’s no shame in posing for Playboy. After all, Janet Jackson did it. Nothing is more of a turn on than someone who already has a legitimate career posing naked to let everyone know that along with being successful, they also have a smoking hot body. If not Playboy, let’s at least get a guest appearance in Maxim, GQ, FHM, or something…

EDITORS NOTE: The following Money Honeys were referenced for “research purposes:” Mitali Mukherjee, Becky Quick, Erin Burnett, Melissa Francis, Trish Regan, Michelle Caruso-Cabrera, Maria Bartiromo, Melissa Lee, Karen Tso (CNBC Australia), Amanda Drury (CNBC Australia)

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#5 – The Only Way To Survive The First Year On Wall Street – CNBC “Money Honeys” is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

It’s 11 p.m. on a Saturday night. What was supposed to be a fratty pregame with some college bros and maybe a couple randos has quickly morphed into a rager. Beer pong balls are flying around the room and someone just popped a couple of bottles of Goose — that’s Geese. A sketchy dance party is in full effect. You’re eyeing one of the blondes in the corner who works with your friend Kristy and she catches your gaze with a smile.

Jason Derulo’s “Watcha Say” is on blast – it’s been your go-to song all summer and – you start grinding against the blonde.  You bring out your signature dance move – the invisible microphone, obviously – and she grabs your hand and starts singing along to the chorus. “Jackpot,” you say to yourself as you take a swig of your Jack and Coke while your hand moves against her waist.

She’s feelin you and starts moving in closer. You’re about to motion her to your room to “take shots and maybe watch an episode of ____” when suddenly the music stops. “What the fuck!” you shout as you glare at the culprit unplugging your iPod from the other side of the room. He’s wearing flannel, tight jeans — the token hipster of the party that no one knows — and you overhear him talking about this “really chill trance DJ from Iceland” that he’s trying to “you , know blow up” in the U.S.

You desperately try and grab the blonde work before it’s too late but the damage is done. She bolted. You lost.

Lesons of Losing:

1. Never leave your iPod in plain sight
2. Trance music – unless specified strictly for after hours purposes – is, like, nott that chill
3. If someone says that a new track is like “reeaally chill” it’s probably “not that chill” because you haven’t heard it yet. Therefore, it should not be played at your party.

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#3 Party music? I got this [no you don't]: A Chronicle of Losing is a post from: You're Like Really Chill