Once in a while, however, the displaced Frat Guy will be summoned by colleagues Bro Montana and Bro Namath to make a bro-trip to their alma mater. The purpose of the journey is quite simple: get weird, kill it and DALOW(do a lot of work). Below, you’ll find some tips on how to DALOW as a sketchy, too-old for college, what-is-this-guy-doing-back-here-again alumni visitor.

• Timing: If you’re not one of the lucky ones to have a company that recruits new hires at your alma mater, your return visits to school are limited and unfortunately, debacherous nights can’t be expensed to your sweet I-bank. Therefore, you want to make sure you get the most out of a short weekend back. If the trip is in the fall, hit up homecoming. Spring: make sure pledges are around.

• Housing: Unless you’re a fan of sleeping on couches, every bro has to fend for themselves. One strategy is to find any friends you have left at school that know athletes who are on roadtrips so you can take over their rooms. Otherwise, you better be ready to DALOW.

• Eating: only the worst establishments will do. Only those that you frequented for lack of better options and that allowed you and your crew to bring 30 racks and subsequently destroy the place.

• Drinking: everyone has their favorite bar. Don’t waste your time anywhere else.

• Getting weird: whether it’s giving blacked-out piggy back rides to girls, tripping and causing a girl to chip her front teeth … or taking a wine-tour and getting “asked to leave” because members of your party are puking on the premises … or returning to your old rented house/apartment, which is now full of small Asian girls, and sitting down, opening a beer, and yelling “I NEED THIS” as they call the police … getting weird is essential to a successful return trip. While normally your course of actions would result in a “reputation” on campus, you won’t be around long enough for these types of things to catch up to you.

• Fratting: Just because you’re an alumni doesn’t mean you can’t utilize pledges for anything and everything. Additionally, paying visits to old hazing grounds, and giving current brothers ideas for new hazing which you thought up while grinding out Excel projects at work are all necessary. Attending fraternity functions is also key to getting weird and finding an eventual bed. Below, you’ll find an actual, post-bro-trip correspondence from an alumni-all star to his pledge brothers:

Guys: so, After waking up in the [frat] house Sunday morning covered in blood, and getting a ride back towards you guys from the chef’s wife, I did a little research to find out what the hell happened to me at the party.

According to Dave [one current frat bro]:

‘you were stumbling everywhere- smashing your head and body into walls. you made yourself throw up in the 2nd floor bathroom (which you subsequently flooded, and now the hallway is soaked). your nose started bleeding which is why your shirt is ruined. i brought you to the deck room and thats where you slept. i had a pledge check on you every 10 min to make sure you were alive. basically you were throwing yourself all over the place, and face planted on the dance floor. everyone saw you, even the pledges. they were like..’wow these alums are so fratty and don’t give a shit about anything.’ they loved it.’”

Notice the consistent themes: getting weird, getting really fratty, having no regard for your own health or others’ sanity as you spew all sorts of bodily fluids on them.

Have a good post-college return visit? Drop us a line in the comments.

Related Posts:

• REALLY EXCLUSIVE: Rc.org’s “Really Chill Phrase of the Week”-3/17/10
• Age is Just a Number
• REALLY EXCLUSIVE: Rc.org’s “Really Chill Phrase of the Week”-3/18/10
• Exclusivity? There’s an app for that [guide]
• Life lesson learned on Thanksgiving: I will play football and be in a fraternity. I’m killing it.

College: The Return Trip is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

This week we bring you a new phrase: #2 DALOW

DALOW: acronym for: Do A Lot Of Work. Origin: Greek. Verb. To accomplish more than what is normal or expected with the opposite sex. (*Note “work” does not refer to one’s profession, unless one’s profession is “killing it.”)

Variations: Did a lot of work, doing a lot of work.

Used in a context:

1. “Shawn, where are you?” “I’m at some stupid art gallery opening but there’s a ton of hot girls and all the guys are hipsters, so I’ve already got five numbers, and made out with some girl in the bathroom. I’m DALOW.”

2. “Yo did you do work last night” “Nahh…couldn’t DALOW. Shit got waay too weird at the bar.”

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• College: The Return Trip
• Age is Just a Number
• REALLY EXCLUSIVE: Rc.org’s “Really Chill Phrase of the Week”-3/18/10
• Exclusivity? There’s an app for that [guide]
• Life lesson learned on Thanksgiving: I will play football and be in a fraternity. I’m killing it.

REALLY EXCLUSIVE: Rc.org’s “Really Chill Phrase of the Week”-3/17/10 is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

Obviously, an essential part of being REALLY chill is having your own terminology that, well, you and maybe a handful of people understand. For that reason, we decided to introduce a couple of key expressions that must be part of your vernacular if you want to be exponentially chiller than you currently are.

#1. YKI. (“Why Kay Eye”) Acronym for: “You’re killing it.” Verb. Origin: Greek.

The act of “killing” or “murdering it” in any situation, regardless of external factors such as country, weather, or social setting; winning at all costs, doing something legendary. Used in a sentence: “Jonny-I heard you got a table at 1Oak last night then took the bottle waitresses on your G6 to LA where you went to a party at the playboy mansion…YKI.”

Alternate uses: HKI-hes killing it, SKI-shes killing it. IKI-im killing it, I killed it, I’ll kill it, I’ve killed it. NKI – Not killing it.

Close synonyms: YMI: “You murdered/murked it.”

For the chillest of chill…“KMM” – “Kill Murder Murk” Used in a sentence: “I drank so much at that bar, got 10 girls numbers, lost my phone, and got thrown out of  own apartment complex. I KMM’d the night.”

Related Posts:

• College: The Return Trip
• REALLY EXCLUSIVE: Rc.org’s “Really Chill Phrase of the Week”-3/17/10
• Exclusivity? There’s an app for that [guide]
• Life lesson learned on Thanksgiving: I will play football and be in a fraternity. I’m killing it.

REALLY EXCLUSIVE: Rc.org’s “Really Chill Phrase of the Week”-3/18/10 is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

Let’s face it. If we’re going to stereotype where the vast majority of  motivated, educated, young finance majors are working after graduation these days, it’s on Wall Street.  Mr Stereotype is no different. I attended your generic top 15 school, graduated, and went on to work at the generic bulge-bracket investment bank so I could KILL it on the weekends and be hated by 98% of the American public on weekdays.  I’ll save my interning experiences for another post, but after a fruitful junior year summer, I was lucky enough to receive an offer to work full-time in the fairytale land of financial services.

Fast forward a few years and I’m sitting on a trading floor with dozens of other miserable people, selling products most people don’t understand to people who don’t understand them so that my government-assisted company can make some cash, pay back TARP, and give Joe The Plumber a mortgage for his suburban Cleveland home. Throughout my ten, eleven, or twelve-hour days sitting in front of computer monitors, separated from the people to my left and right by a few feet, no walls, and no cubicles, there is one constant occurrence: the flat screen TVs sprinkled throughout the trading floor streaming CNBC…all…day…long. The only time I’ve seen the channel changed is for high-speed police chases, or Bubble Boy, for which all of Wall Street will pause.

Now, no one usually listens to CNBC because the stories they’re breaking or the news they’re reporting has already hit the trading floor a few minutes earlier. Most people, like me, Mr Stereotype, just leave the volume on mute and pause from time to time to look at the Money Honeys…or rather, the decently attractive women that CNBC puts on the desk to maintain viewers’ attention and keep companies paying for ad spots.

Any person who’s worked in finance will tell you that the trading floor is dominated by men. It’s about a 4:1 ratio. Take that small percentage of women working on the floor and only about 1 in 10 is a looker.  So unlike guys working in fashion, marketing, public relations, or any job that doesnt require math expertise, those of us in finance are left with CNBC anchors as our eye candy (sorry women, it’s not stereotyping if it’s true, check those male/female SAT averages).

But some of them aren’t that bad…

A stereotypical finance guy secretly wishes that one, two, or all of the Money Honeys will pose for Playboy or Penthouse to bring in some extra cash during the Financial Crisis. And really, there’s no shame in posing for Playboy. After all, Janet Jackson did it. Nothing is more of a turn on than someone who already has a legitimate career posing naked to let everyone know that along with being successful, they also have a smoking hot body. If not Playboy, let’s at least get a guest appearance in Maxim, GQ, FHM, or something…

EDITORS NOTE: The following Money Honeys were referenced for “research purposes:” Mitali Mukherjee, Becky Quick, Erin Burnett, Melissa Francis, Trish Regan, Michelle Caruso-Cabrera, Maria Bartiromo, Melissa Lee, Karen Tso (CNBC Australia), Amanda Drury (CNBC Australia)

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#5 – The Only Way To Survive The First Year On Wall Street – CNBC “Money Honeys” is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

It’s 11 p.m. on a Saturday night. What was supposed to be a fratty pregame with some college bros and maybe a couple randos has quickly morphed into a rager. Beer pong balls are flying around the room and someone just popped a couple of bottles of Goose — that’s Geese. A sketchy dance party is in full effect. You’re eyeing one of the blondes in the corner who works with your friend Kristy and she catches your gaze with a smile.

Jason Derulo’s “Watcha Say” is on blast – it’s been your go-to song all summer and – you start grinding against the blonde.  You bring out your signature dance move – the invisible microphone, obviously – and she grabs your hand and starts singing along to the chorus. “Jackpot,” you say to yourself as you take a swig of your Jack and Coke while your hand moves against her waist.

She’s feelin you and starts moving in closer. You’re about to motion her to your room to “take shots and maybe watch an episode of ____” when suddenly the music stops. “What the fuck!” you shout as you glare at the culprit unplugging your iPod from the other side of the room. He’s wearing flannel, tight jeans — the token hipster of the party that no one knows — and you overhear him talking about this “really chill trance DJ from Iceland” that he’s trying to “you , know blow up” in the U.S.

You desperately try and grab the blonde work before it’s too late but the damage is done. She bolted. You lost.

Lesons of Losing:

1. Never leave your iPod in plain sight
2. Trance music – unless specified strictly for after hours purposes – is, like, nott that chill
3. If someone says that a new track is like “reeaally chill” it’s probably “not that chill” because you haven’t heard it yet. Therefore, it should not be played at your party.

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#3 Party music? I got this [no you don't]: A Chronicle of Losing is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

“Fratty.” It’s a word that is slowly creeping into the everyday American vernacular. According to the Really Chill Lexicon (RCL) Volume III, the word is defined as “a state of being where you put a fraternal lifestyle above anything else.” The word has bound a generic 18-34 year old male – who was formely in a fraternal organization at one point in his life – to a lifelong set of traditions and virtues. There are whole websites (frattinghard.com, brobible.com, and broslikethissite.com) dedicated to fratting at all times.

Sweet

And yet, these definitions could not be further from the truth. Frattiness has no gender and certainly no age limit. In fact, there’s a little secret that you, the casual reader, might not be aware of: you didn’t have to be in a fraternity to be fratty (although it does help if you at least hazed at one point in your life, preferable in a sketchy basement… involving A lot of ice… and cold water….and maybe some Tabasco sauce. But I digress).

How will I know if I reach the “fratty” lifestyle?

First, one must realize that fratting hard isn’t a lifestyle, its an art form. It’s the internal mindset of an individual which allows him/her to – for lack of a better term – “not give a shit about what most people think.”

Fratting really hard

Being really fratty is the latin equivalent to being Really Chill. Furthermore, you don’t just wake up one day and become fratty. The lifestyle known as Fratting must originate in a family trait that has been passed down for many generations.

After mapping the human genome, scientists have attributed frattiness to the gene IL-10 (Interlukin 10) which is known to display “potent abilities to suppress the antigen presentation capacity of antigen presenting cells.”

Interleukin 10, Otherwise known as the "Frat Gene"

We, frat stars, refer to the intricate science as Frattiness Selection. It’s nature over nurture but like the American Dream, there are exceptions to every rule. Here are the fundamental tenants of being fratty and can help you reach extreme levels of fratting, even if nature hasn’t been so kind:

1. Be an Athlete.
   • This is not confined strictly to the realm of athletics. Being an athlete is a mindset. If you can’t play – you coach. If you can’t coach, you watch. Its that simple.
   • Being a part of athletics teaches you how to pick yourself up after being knocked down. (And yes, joining a fraternal organization will break you if you haven’t heard.)
   • Also included: Playing “pong’ until the wee hours of the morning and living in the worst possible housing available.
2. Winning, at all costs.
   • Being fratty means you are never wrong, EVER. Even when you are wrong, you’re still RIGHT.
   • If it means taking trips across the country, you do so in the most brazen yet frugal way possible – through The South.
   • Being Fratty as defined in the RCL as a “passion to win (Wynn) at all costs.”
3. To give is to recieve.
   • Every great scholar of fraternal organizations understands this basic premise: You got to where you are because of the people who came before you. As you make your way through pledging realize this:
     1. Next year, you get to be on the giving end and -
     2. you had to receive the blessing before you give it (Yes I just implied that any form of hazing is, in fact, a blessing).
   • As discussed in the first tenant of being an athlete, know that what doesn’t kill will, in fact, make you stronger (it’s science, don’t argue with science you’ll never win).

How can I join this brotherhood of men? (by men we mean the human race, remember being fratty is gender neutral)

This is honestly a great question. If you are reading this and realize you have missed out on one of the greatest God-given experiences on this Earth then fear not, for you can make some simple changes to the way you conduct yourself in order to be more “Fratty.”

Gleeful, Fraternity brothers

1. Drinking
   • Just do it and don’t stop. I’ve seen sweet bro’s drink during finals, or better yet drinking in the office just to let everyone else know how chill they really are.
   • Also remember, whenever you are presented with an option of beers, ALWAYS take the shittier option (and don’t be last ordering – you don’t want to know why, so don’t ask).
   • Whenever possible, inconvenience neighbors, family members, and loved ones with the boisterous noise of fratneral living (remember drinking doesn’t count unless everyone else knows you are drinking more than they are).
2. Socializing
   • It goes with out saying (and is usually the most envied part of being in a fraternal organization) that being fratty requires socializing at all times. Don’t wait to be called on – volunteer (again, don’t ask why) and NEVER be last.
   • Talk about frat parties & mixers at all times. “Yeah, this one time at a mixer with…” Let them know what really went down.
3. Drinking and Socializing – Otherwise known as “Winning”
   • Something beautiful things happens anytime you mix socializing and drinking in the same place.
   • The ancient greeks called it “gewinnen” which is greek for “Winning” and you can indulge as well
   • Think:
     • Drinking Games
     • Theme Parties
     • Sketchy Afterhours

Does fratting have its limits?

NO, and don’t make me have to remind you.

In many cases, I’ve seen women fratting harder then men. Fratting inside, fratting outside, literally fratting everywhere. Whenever you feel like you are the center of attention, this is your time to shine (preferably using one of the various drinking techniques which we will delve into later  - see the “mailman“).

Remember that you can’t spell “really chill” without “fraternity.” If you start correcting that sentence then you are one of “those guys” who just DON’T get it. More on them later

With love,
Frat Guy

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#2 – Fratting Hard is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

What is exclusivity?

Exclusivity as we know it is the phenomenon started by the ancestors of Mr Exclusive. It predated the Mesopotamic period and flourished in the land between the two rivers where Ancient Civilization began: the Tigris and the Euphrates. As Wikipedia states, this region is  a place that is “widely considered as the cradle of civilization.”

Deep within the Akkadian Empire (ca. 2350 BCE–2193 BCE), young Naram-Sin, the emperor’s grandson and one of the forerunners of the Exclusivity Movement, began to crave out his own place in history. According to scripture, he was the first person in human history to consciously elect to do something by himself. #ThatsEXCL

Young Naram Sim spreading "Exclusivity" to all

People have trouble understanding that anything involving an invitation is inherently not exclusive. In fact, the act of not allowing other people to bask in your exclusivity is key to maximizing exclusivity. Every time you receive an invite from a promoter promoting a club so exclusive he himself cannot get in, just remember one thing: by rejecting his or her request, you are cementing yourself in the rich history of all beings who chose to take the exclusive path.

How can one be exclusive?

Great question. I wish I could just say, follow me for a day (Mr Exclusive) and you would get enough material to last a lifetime, but the act of being anywhere near me would diminish  my own exclusivity. Therefore, follow these simple rules and the extensive research available on reallychill.org for more insight:

1. Less is always more
2. Saying “No” is the new “Yes”
3. Winning by losing is the only way to win

Over the course of this journey of All Things Chill (ATC), we will delve into these topic with great detail.

When is it appropriate to be exclusive?

As the finally installment of my introduction, I thought it would only be appropriate to address this topic.

The answer is simple: All the time.

If someone asks you, “When can I expect your call?” Simply reply “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” If you’ve entered the level of Like Really Exclusive, (LRE), it may be okay to say something like, “that’s physically impossible because I have three phones and none of them take outside calls.” Fear not, for all this will become easier the more you read.

Just remember, one of the tenants of being really chill is your level of exclusivity.

With Love,
Mr Exclusive

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#1 – Exclusivity is a post from: You're Like Really Chill

Ladies & Gentlemen,

We here at ReallyChill.Org are excited to announce that we are compiling the best content on this site into a manuscript entitled You’re Like Really CHILL: The Definitive Guide To a lifestyle of Exclusivity & Awesomeness.

The book is a numbered guide of all that is like really chill, written by your favorite personalities: Mr. Exclusive, That Guy, Frat Guy, Mr. West Coast and others. Sit back, enjoy a single malt scotch alone at a bar while everyone waits outside in the rain, and let us illuminate the secrets of leading a really chill lifestyle.” When is it appropriate to change the music at a party?’ “What basic steps can I take to make myself more unavailable and, hence, more exclusive? We’ll touch on these life-altering subjects and many more.

If you are interested in carrying the novella in your establishment (we hear that people still go to bookstores these days, even though we ourselves have deemed reading materials anti-exclusive), please drop us a note by contacting us

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#intro – You’re like REALLY Chill: The definitive guide to a lifestyle of exclusivity and awesomeness is a post from: You're Like Really Chill