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Loading ...Fact: Everyone who has graduated college and now works in the “real world” constantly laments their decision to pass all their classes, graduate on time, and leave the four year fantasy world of undergraduate life behind for paychecks and alarm clocks.
Once in a while, however, the displaced Frat Guy will be summoned by colleagues Bro Montana and Bro Namath to make a bro-trip to their alma mater. The purpose of the journey is quite simple: get weird, kill it and DALOW(do a lot of work). Below, you’ll find some tips on how to DALOW as a sketchy, too-old for college, what-is-this-guy-doing-back-here-again alumni visitor.
- Timing: If you’re not one of the lucky ones to have a company that recruits new hires at your alma mater, your return visits to school are limited and unfortunately, debacherous nights can’t be expensed to your sweet I-bank. Therefore, you want to make sure you get the most out of a short weekend back. If the trip is in the fall, hit up homecoming. Spring: make sure pledges are around.
- Housing: Unless you’re a fan of sleeping on couches, every bro has to fend for themselves. One strategy is to find any friends you have left at school that know athletes who are on roadtrips so you can take over their rooms. Otherwise, you better be ready to DALOW.
- Eating: only the worst establishments will do. Only those that you frequented for lack of better options and that allowed you and your crew to bring 30 racks and subsequently destroy the place.
- Drinking: everyone has their favorite bar. Don’t waste your time anywhere else.
- Getting weird: whether it’s giving blacked-out piggy back rides to girls, tripping and causing a girl to chip her front teeth … or taking a wine-tour and getting “asked to leave” because members of your party are puking on the premises … or returning to your old rented house/apartment, which is now full of small Asian girls, and sitting down, opening a beer, and yelling “I NEED THIS” as they call the police … getting weird is essential to a successful return trip. While normally your course of actions would result in a “reputation” on campus, you won’t be around long enough for these types of things to catch up to you.
- Fratting: Just because you’re an alumni doesn’t mean you can’t utilize pledges for anything and everything. Additionally, paying visits to old hazing grounds, and giving current brothers ideas for new hazing which you thought up while grinding out Excel projects at work are all necessary. Attending fraternity functions is also key to getting weird and finding an eventual bed. Below, you’ll find an actual, post-bro-trip correspondence from an alumni-all star to his pledge brothers:
Guys: so, After waking up in the [frat] house Sunday morning covered in blood, and getting a ride back towards you guys from the chef’s wife, I did a little research to find out what the hell happened to me at the party.
According to Dave [one current frat bro]:
‘you were stumbling everywhere- smashing your head and body into walls. you made yourself throw up in the 2nd floor bathroom (which you subsequently flooded, and now the hallway is soaked). your nose started bleeding which is why your shirt is ruined. i brought you to the deck room and thats where you slept. i had a pledge check on you every 10 min to make sure you were alive. basically you were throwing yourself all over the place, and face planted on the dance floor. everyone saw you, even the pledges. they were like..’wow these alums are so fratty and don’t give a shit about anything.’ they loved it.’”
Notice the consistent themes: getting weird, getting really fratty, having no regard for your own health or others’ sanity as you spew all sorts of bodily fluids on them.
Have a good post-college return visit? Drop us a line in the comments.
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